It's always been mostly a myth that I have my sh*t together. The time has come to debunk it. (Where are the myth busters when you need them?!?)
I am a mess. Like an honest to goodness, cried all the way to work yesterday, am so tired that I fall asleep everywhere kind of mess.
As all of you know, we've been having the twins assessed. We received David's results last week.
Am I talking about it? Am I dealing with all my tumultuous emotions? Ha! Not a chance. I am in full tilt Ignore The Problem Until I Have Time To Deal With It mode.
And why, do you ask, am I not making the time to manage my feelings?
So many reasons.
They are raw and they are ugly. And for the most part, they are wrong.
Please note that this isn't a cry for reassurance. Nor is it a cry for sympathy. I just want someone to listen.
I feel like I've failed. If I had worked with him more, taught him more, been a better emotional role model, I could have "fixed" him.
I feel scared. That's he's never going to be normal.
I feel protective. Fiercely afraid that people are going to change how they think of him, or treat him differently. He's still the same perfect boy he was last week. We just understand him better.
The label is so cold and harsh.
I'm worried that I'm not going to know how to get him from here to adulthood.
I hate that if Scott had come into my life with a label, that it might have changed my feelings for him.
All of these feelings are giant ugly blisters inside of me, threatening to ooze their overwhelming pain. I can hardly list them, let alone poke them and let their yick out into my life.
I need some time. I need space. It takes me longer than most people to sort myself out. I do it by running, by writing, and in the quiet moments with a friend.
I can't run. I'm not really ready to write about it (like I said, I could hardly make the list), and lastly, I just don't have the time to take for myself.
Between the move, and work, I'm done.
This is my work week last week:
And this week:
Almost 70 hours a week. It's going to get worse before it gets better. One of my people quit last night (he got offered an internship! Happy for him, sad for me.).
Quiet times with a friend! Ha ha ha ha. When exactly?
I can't do it all. Or be it all. Something has to give, and right now, what's giving is me.
Every morning, on top of all of those things, I stand naked in front of the mirror and feel shame.
Hey - I warned you. I am a MESS!!
Look, it will all get better. I know. I really do.
Work will get manageable. My people will get trained to do my job and I will take some time off.
The house will sell. Eventually.
David will always be David. I love him for who is he. All of the rest doesn't really matter.
In the interim, it's going to suck. I just need to know that you guys are on my team and that when it gets this bad, you'll love me anyway.
Eeeesh. Such sad. So stress. Wow. I think David is perfect just the way he is. And you and Scott are the perfect pair of parents for him. We all do the best we can for our children. You got him the help he is going to need so he can realize how awesome he is. We already know how awesome he is. There are so many people rooting for your family, and for him. He is so loved. You are so loved. The house will sell. Work will settle down. But most importantly, you will always be you, and you are strong! You can and will get through this. We are here if you need us:)
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to feel like mess. Really. REALLY! We all feel like a mess sometimes, and we would all be feeling the crush of life right now in your situation. Crying can be cathartic and good for the soul, so let it out when it needs to and don't feel ashamed.
ReplyDeleteThe way you feel about David (overprotective, angry, scared, shameful) are all feelings that come out of love for him. If you didn't love him to death and want the absolute best for him, you wouldn't have these strong emotions. Only a sucky parent finds out this kind of thing and doesn't have to work through it.
And you WILL get through this. How do I know? Because you've already started. You are writing about the problem and sharing it with your friends and support system. You recognize the facts (David will be fine, work will settle, the concussion will heal) and just need to plan how to get yourself from here to there.
How? Ask for help (painful, I know, but DO IT!). Need time with a friend to cry? We're all here for you. Need help with the house? Just ask, we're there. And admit you need more time off work and don't be afraid to ask for it. You aren't helping Nitrogen if you fall asleep at the wheel on your way to work or misgrade or mispay someone because you're so tired. People are incredibly inefficient when tired. 8 hours of well-rested work is more valuable to them than 16 hours of tired work. So do THEM a favour and work fewer hours. It is not your responsibility to keep the company afloat, even though it feels like it is.
Take a step back for some honest perspective about WHY you are working. Are you achieving the goal you set out to achieve when you accepted the job? If not, what do you HAVE to change to get back on track for that goal?
Anything you need, we're here for you! And remember, the reason why people THINK you always have your sh*t together is because you ALWAYS overcome your problems and are better at the end than when you started :D